Emily Post

"Persons under the shock of genuine affliction are not only upset mentally but are all unbalanced physically. No mater how calm and controlled they seemingly may be, no one can under such circumstances be normal. Their disturbed circulation makes them cold, their distress makes them unstrung, sleepless. Persons they normally like, they often turn from. No one should ever be forced upon those in grief, and all over-emotional people, no matter how near or dear, should be barred absolutely. Although the knowledge that their friends love them and sorrow for them is great solace, the nearest afflicted must be protected from any one or anything which is likely to overstrain nerves already at the threatening point, and none have the right to feel hurt if they are told they can neither be used or received. At such a time to some people companionship is comfort, other shrink from their dearest friends. "


This excerpt is from Emily Post's Etiquette book which was published in 1922. A time when the act of death had not yet been professionalized. It seems now that we have adopted this attitude of a rejection of public mourning, an ethical duty to enjoy oneself where mourning feels like a morbid self-indulgence. Praise is given to those who hide their pain, keep it behind closed doors and bury it deep down behind fake smiles and public appearances with friends and family. We get so good at it that it's almost like it never happened and that makes people feel more comfortable I think. Death makes people very uneasy. They don't know what to say and on some conscious or subconscious plane don't want to think about it in relation to themselves and their family.

I don't want people to look at me and tell me to pull it together and stop wallowing in it. But I'm sad and I hide it by trying to appear happy and strong when i feel so broken. Broken. That word keeps repeating in my head. My heart is broken and my life feels broken and I just keep feeling like I want someone to come along and help me put it back together. But it's never going to happen because we can't go back in time. What is done is done and accepting what my life will be now for myself and for my family has been hard with the way that it happend. The shocking unexpected nature of it.

Acknowledging Suffering

One of the things that makes relationships so difficult is the way in which we protect ourselves from suffering — from our own and from each other’s. Because when you love someone you don’t want to lay your suffering and your fears on them. Also you are afraid if you open your heart too far their suffering will overwhelm you. Because when you look at the world, you just see suffering everywhere.

If you scratched the surface of every person in this room, you will find that there is some suffering. Some people who are walking around here smiling at each other and sitting down and having wonderful, gentle conversations, inside have very deep pain and deep fear. But they have learned so well how to mask it from each other. The culture reinforces that saying, don’t bring your pain to me. I only want your happiness. I’ll put up with a little of it but not much of it because you will scare me.

Now just as I said before, if you are going to be able to deal with seeing someone else’s beauty, you have to be able to acknowledge your own beauty. In a similar way if you are going to able to be available for someone else’s suffering you have to be able to acknowledge your own suffering and be able to understand the nature of suffering in such a way that you have converted the quality of suffering in yourself.

Gurdjieff, the Russian philosopher, said there is nothing that can be attained spiritually without suffering in life. But at the same time, if you are going to proceed on the journey you must sacrifice suffering. You hear the dual nature of it. You have to have suffered because the suffering is what burns through you and deepens the compassion and opens the door. Suffering brings you closer to the mystery. At the same moment if you hold on to the suffering and grab at it and sort of wallow in it or cling to it, it stops the journey.

There is an understanding of suffering such that you don’t invite suffering into your life but when it comes you work with it and transform it. The extreme of it is the Christian monk who is saying, “God, God give me more pain. Give me more suffering because I want to get closer to you.” And Maharaj ji saying, “Do you like suffering or joy,” and saying, “I love suffering – it brings me so close to God.”

-Ram Dass

The Year of Magical Thinking - Joan Didion

“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe their husband is about to return and need his shoes.”

― Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

This book is a great gift for anybody who is grieving. Didion wrote this book after her husband suddenly passed away followed by their daugther. This powerful book is Didion’s attempt to make sense of the “weeks and then months that cut loose any fixed idea I ever had about death, about illness . . . about marriage and children and memory . . . about the shallowness of sanity, about life itself.”

Click Here to listen or read her NPR interview about the book and how such a strong woman deals with her own grief.

Holiday Tips

Dealing (or not dealing) with your grief during the holidays is to me the worst part. It is a constant reminder. Every Christmas tree and decorated house reminds me that my Christmas will never be the same because my family will never be the same. Since this time of year is the worst for grieving families, here are a few tips to help us all through this difficult time.

Think about what will be helpful for yourself and your family in the present.

For the first year it is a good idea to do something together different from your family's holiday traditions. Some family's will go on a holiday vacation together. I love family cruises so that the whole family can be together comfortably. I do think it is important to keep the old traditions going strong in following years. I can't imagine our family not carrying the tradition of the Thanksgiving talent show or the grocery game. For the first year or so it can be really hard to see that spot left open on the table. It is so important to learn how to be happy with the family we still have here.

Incorporate memories of that person into your Holiday traditions.

This to me is really important and I think it will be especially helpful for large extended family get togethers. You don't want to feel as though they are forgotten and the family has so quickly moved on. Having a moment to externalize the loss by giving it a time and place honors the person we are missing while making us feel connected and dependent on each other. You can mention them in a prayer, read a poem, or light a candle in their honor.

Find ways of giving to others.

As a family we already did this a lot so it makes me feel that much more connected to my mom. You can always volunteer by feeding the homeless and taking part in the Salvation Army Angel Tree by giving presents to less fortunate families.

Avoid overindulgence of alcohol and food during the holidays.

These are ways of avoiding or masking our underlying emotions. When you realize you are doing this the problem isn't just hangovers and weight gain. It means that you need to acknowledge your grief and work through it in a healthy way by staying connected to your feelings instead of ignoring them. The longer that you don't deal with your grief, the larger and darker it will become.

Don't be afraid to ask for professional help if you are feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions, are finding yourself immobilized by your grief, or are having other adverse experiences or behaviors.

Please leave a comment if you have any ideas or suggestions for the holidays!