Emily Post

"Persons under the shock of genuine affliction are not only upset mentally but are all unbalanced physically. No mater how calm and controlled they seemingly may be, no one can under such circumstances be normal. Their disturbed circulation makes them cold, their distress makes them unstrung, sleepless. Persons they normally like, they often turn from. No one should ever be forced upon those in grief, and all over-emotional people, no matter how near or dear, should be barred absolutely. Although the knowledge that their friends love them and sorrow for them is great solace, the nearest afflicted must be protected from any one or anything which is likely to overstrain nerves already at the threatening point, and none have the right to feel hurt if they are told they can neither be used or received. At such a time to some people companionship is comfort, other shrink from their dearest friends. "


This excerpt is from Emily Post's Etiquette book which was published in 1922. A time when the act of death had not yet been professionalized. It seems now that we have adopted this attitude of a rejection of public mourning, an ethical duty to enjoy oneself where mourning feels like a morbid self-indulgence. Praise is given to those who hide their pain, keep it behind closed doors and bury it deep down behind fake smiles and public appearances with friends and family. We get so good at it that it's almost like it never happened and that makes people feel more comfortable I think. Death makes people very uneasy. They don't know what to say and on some conscious or subconscious plane don't want to think about it in relation to themselves and their family.

I don't want people to look at me and tell me to pull it together and stop wallowing in it. But I'm sad and I hide it by trying to appear happy and strong when i feel so broken. Broken. That word keeps repeating in my head. My heart is broken and my life feels broken and I just keep feeling like I want someone to come along and help me put it back together. But it's never going to happen because we can't go back in time. What is done is done and accepting what my life will be now for myself and for my family has been hard with the way that it happend. The shocking unexpected nature of it.

Acknowledging Suffering

One of the things that makes relationships so difficult is the way in which we protect ourselves from suffering — from our own and from each other’s. Because when you love someone you don’t want to lay your suffering and your fears on them. Also you are afraid if you open your heart too far their suffering will overwhelm you. Because when you look at the world, you just see suffering everywhere.

If you scratched the surface of every person in this room, you will find that there is some suffering. Some people who are walking around here smiling at each other and sitting down and having wonderful, gentle conversations, inside have very deep pain and deep fear. But they have learned so well how to mask it from each other. The culture reinforces that saying, don’t bring your pain to me. I only want your happiness. I’ll put up with a little of it but not much of it because you will scare me.

Now just as I said before, if you are going to be able to deal with seeing someone else’s beauty, you have to be able to acknowledge your own beauty. In a similar way if you are going to able to be available for someone else’s suffering you have to be able to acknowledge your own suffering and be able to understand the nature of suffering in such a way that you have converted the quality of suffering in yourself.

Gurdjieff, the Russian philosopher, said there is nothing that can be attained spiritually without suffering in life. But at the same time, if you are going to proceed on the journey you must sacrifice suffering. You hear the dual nature of it. You have to have suffered because the suffering is what burns through you and deepens the compassion and opens the door. Suffering brings you closer to the mystery. At the same moment if you hold on to the suffering and grab at it and sort of wallow in it or cling to it, it stops the journey.

There is an understanding of suffering such that you don’t invite suffering into your life but when it comes you work with it and transform it. The extreme of it is the Christian monk who is saying, “God, God give me more pain. Give me more suffering because I want to get closer to you.” And Maharaj ji saying, “Do you like suffering or joy,” and saying, “I love suffering – it brings me so close to God.”

-Ram Dass

The Year of Magical Thinking - Joan Didion

“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe their husband is about to return and need his shoes.”

― Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

This book is a great gift for anybody who is grieving. Didion wrote this book after her husband suddenly passed away followed by their daugther. This powerful book is Didion’s attempt to make sense of the “weeks and then months that cut loose any fixed idea I ever had about death, about illness . . . about marriage and children and memory . . . about the shallowness of sanity, about life itself.”

Click Here to listen or read her NPR interview about the book and how such a strong woman deals with her own grief.

Holiday Tips

Dealing (or not dealing) with your grief during the holidays is to me the worst part. It is a constant reminder. Every Christmas tree and decorated house reminds me that my Christmas will never be the same because my family will never be the same. Since this time of year is the worst for grieving families, here are a few tips to help us all through this difficult time.

Think about what will be helpful for yourself and your family in the present.

For the first year it is a good idea to do something together different from your family's holiday traditions. Some family's will go on a holiday vacation together. I love family cruises so that the whole family can be together comfortably. I do think it is important to keep the old traditions going strong in following years. I can't imagine our family not carrying the tradition of the Thanksgiving talent show or the grocery game. For the first year or so it can be really hard to see that spot left open on the table. It is so important to learn how to be happy with the family we still have here.

Incorporate memories of that person into your Holiday traditions.

This to me is really important and I think it will be especially helpful for large extended family get togethers. You don't want to feel as though they are forgotten and the family has so quickly moved on. Having a moment to externalize the loss by giving it a time and place honors the person we are missing while making us feel connected and dependent on each other. You can mention them in a prayer, read a poem, or light a candle in their honor.

Find ways of giving to others.

As a family we already did this a lot so it makes me feel that much more connected to my mom. You can always volunteer by feeding the homeless and taking part in the Salvation Army Angel Tree by giving presents to less fortunate families.

Avoid overindulgence of alcohol and food during the holidays.

These are ways of avoiding or masking our underlying emotions. When you realize you are doing this the problem isn't just hangovers and weight gain. It means that you need to acknowledge your grief and work through it in a healthy way by staying connected to your feelings instead of ignoring them. The longer that you don't deal with your grief, the larger and darker it will become.

Don't be afraid to ask for professional help if you are feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions, are finding yourself immobilized by your grief, or are having other adverse experiences or behaviors.

Please leave a comment if you have any ideas or suggestions for the holidays!

Grief and Gender

MEN AND GRIEF
by Jeanne M. Harper MPS                      

Ken Doka speaks of "disenfranchised grief" which is when loss cannot be openly acknowledged socially sanctioned or publicly shared.

Quite often that is exactly what happens to men in their families. The stereotypical man is to be strong and frequently required to not show emotion at the time of death of their loved ones.

Problems this can create may include a bad mood, lack of social support, exclusion from care. The grief may then be intensified, and without support the male griever is alone.

Carol Staudacher in her 1991 book MEN AND GRIEF, demonstrates how typical males may respond to death of their loved one. She bases her theory on Havinghurst's Tasks of Mourning which was elaborated by Dr. William Worden in his book GRIEF COUNSELING GRIEF THERAPY. Carol reports from her research that most grievers, male and female, go through Phase One:

PHASE ONE. Retreating: temporary manage pain and anxiety shock, numbness, disbelief, confusion, disorientation denial. Goal: Grappling with and testing reality.

Men appear to go through Phase One and Three. Differences for men and women seem to arise in Phase Two:

PHASE TWO. Working through: by confronting and enduring. Having a range of responses by thinking, talking, crying, writing about disorganization in their lives. Goal: Detachment from loved one NOT from emotions; must experience the pain.

Many men have been raised to NOT talk, cry, or reach out (for support). Therefore, their grief tends to stay inside and can create physical ailments, as studies have shown. Heart attacks, ulcers, cancer are a few of the physical ailments that can be created when the grief stays within. Men who do express, release or completely work through their grief are the EXCEPTION rather than the rule.

The third phase is something most men are exceptional at doing. They can be masters at reorganizing and restructuring because it involves a lot of THINKING. For most men, objective THINKING is their gift.

PHASE THREE. Resolving: reorganizing and restructuring life. Goals: Adjust to environment-take, on new identity, reinvest time and energy, and develop new goals.

Carol's research shows that men have established four typical male coping styles that are legitimate and acceptable alternatives to working through grief (Phase 2). These patterns have enabled them to take advantage of their natural gifts and talents.

1. Remain Silent--They will keep the pain to themselves They appear to not need to communicate about their qrief. The non - communication helps them protect themselves against being vulnerable-which to them is "expressing" grief through tears, feelings, sharing.
2. Engaging in "Secret Grief"--This is a method of "solitary mourning" activities, i.e. taking the new puppy for a walk--puppy represents NEW LIFE and crying and feeling as they walk, hug and play with the NEW LIFE. They do this solitary mourning to "spare others from seeing, feeling, experiencing their grief. For most men to do otherwise seems against "cultural expectations".
3. Taking Physical & Legal Action - Many men immediately attempt to bring control to an "out of control' situation by taking physical and legal action for extended periods of time. Others support and reward them for being "assertive and courageous" in their time of grief.
4. Becoming Immersed in Activity - Most men become obsessive about activity. They diligently find things to, occupy their time...all of it. They fill "every waking minute" with work, errands, house activities. This immersion consumes time, energy and thought so there is no time for grief, no time for thinking of the loss ahd no time for feeling the grief pain.

Recently, I attended a conference on death education and counseling in Portland. Ken Doka and Terry Martin presented a session on men and grief. They found in their studies that men needed closed groups with separate subjects planned for each session. The material needed to be presented in a problem-solving mode. A method most men feel accustomed to. Supporters of men need to allow for the expression of emotion in ways that are compatible to the male roles {such as the patterns that Staudacher described}. Ask questions "how did you react" rather than "how do you feel". Most men need to return to work as soon as possible. Research showed that most men felt better if they were working (again this corresponds with Staudacher's work).

The important issue is that each gender uses their own STRENGTHS to deal with grief and IN TIME they, both genders, out of their grief. One way of grieving is NOT better than another. Rather there are differences in how they grieve. These differences need to be CELEBRATED, not corrected. Carl Jung says we balance our lives as we age...men become more in touch with their feminine qualities and women become more aggressive and in touch with their male qualities. Each gender's way of coping has negative AND positive aspects.

In conclusion, the tasks of grief [testing the reality, experiencing the pain, adjusting to the environment and reinvesting time and energy back into life], are experienced individually. Respect must be experienced so we do not "disenfranchise" anyone's grief or grieving process due to our stereotypical expectations. Men and women must come to a point where they can learn from each other's methods of grieving, rather than judge these methods. We need to understand their are personality style differences, as well as male/female differences. All differences can be celebrated, it is your choice.

Ram Dass

“We're all just walking each other home.” ― Ram Dass

“It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed.” ― Ram Dass

“Suffering is part of our training program for becoming wise.” ― Ram Dass

Quotes

“You are in my blood. I cant help it. We can't be anywhere except together” ― Francesca Lia Block

“My mother says that pain is hidden in everyone you see. She says try to imagine it like a big bunches of flowers that everyone is carrying around with them. Think of your pain like a big bunch of red roses, a beautiful thorn necklace. Everyone has one.” ― Francesca Lia Block

“Pain can give you sight or make you blind.”
― Francesca Lia Block

Writing to Heal

For nearly 20 years, Dr. James W. Pennebaker has been giving people an assignment: write down your deepest feelings about an emotional upheaval in your life for 15 or 20 minutes a day for four consecutive days. Many of those who followed his simple instructions have found their immune systems strengthened. Others have seen their grades improved. Sometimes entire lives have changed.

Dr. James Pennebaker

Pennebaker, a professor in the Department of Psychology at The University of Texas at Austin and author of several books, including “Opening Up” and “Writing to Heal,” is a pioneer in the study of using expressive writing as a route to healing. His research has shown that short-term focused writing can have a beneficial effect on everyone from those dealing with a terminal illness to victims of violent crime to college students facing first-year transitions.

“When people are given the opportunity to write about emotional upheavals, they often experience improved health,” Pennebaker says. “They go to the doctor less. They have changes in immune function. If they are first-year college students, their grades tend to go up. People will tell us months afterward that it’s been a very beneficial experience for them.”

The Pennebaker Method For the next 4 days, write about a trauma, loss, or emotional event that profoundly affected you. · Write for at least 20 minutes a day over the next 4 days. If you write for more than 20 minutes, that’s great. · You can write about the same event on all 4 days or about different events each day. Whatever you chose to write about, it should be something extremely personal and important for you. · Once you begin writing, write continuously without stopping. Don’t worry about spelling or grammar. If you run out of things to say, simply repeat what you’ve already written. This can be handwritten or typed. · Write only for yourself. Plan to destroy or hide what you have written. Do not turn this exercise into a letter. This exercise is for your eyes only, (unless you want to share it with your counsellor.) · The Flip-Out Rule. If you feel as though you cannot write about a particular event because it will “push you over the edge,” then don’t write about it. Deal only with those events or situations that you can handle right now. · What to expect after writing. Many people often feel somewhat saddened or depressed after expressive writing, especially on the first day or 2 of writing. If this happens to you, it is completely normal. The feeling usually lasts a few minutes, or in some cases, hours, much like going to a sad movie. Plan to have some time to yourself after you end your expressive writing session to reflect on the issues you have written about. DAY 1 In today’s writing it is particularly important that you really let go and examine your deepest emotions and thoughts surrounding this upheaval in your life. As you write about this event, you might begin to tie it to other parts of your life. How does it relate to your childhood, relationships with your parents, or close family members? How is it connected to those people you have most loved, feared, or been angry with? How is this upheaval related to your current life, friends, family, or work? Above, all, how is this event related to who you were in the past, who you would like to be in the future, and who you are now? DAY 2 Today’s task is to really examine your very deepest emotions and thoughts. In your writing, try to link the trauma to other parts of your life. It’s important to realize that trauma or emotional upheaval often influence every aspect of your life, from relationships with friends and family, and how others view you, to how you view yourself, your work, and how you think about your past. How is this trauma/emotional upheaval affecting your life in general? How might you be responsible for some of the effects of the trauma? DAY 3 You have made it through 2 days of writing. Tomorrow, you will need to wrap up your story. Today it is important for you to continue the exploration of your deepest thoughts and emotions about the topics you have been tackling so far. You can focus on the same topics you have been examining or shift to another trauma or some other feature of the same trauma. Focus on your emotions and thoughts about those events that are affecting your life the most right now. Explore the trauma from a different point of view than you have previously written. For example: How does a family member view the trauma or a trusted friend? As a result of this trauma, in what ways are you feeling particularly vulnerable? DAY 4 This is the final day of writing. As on previous days, continue the exploration of your deepest thoughts and emotions about the trauma. Stand back and think about the events, issues, thoughts, and feelings that you have disclosed. Try to tie up anything that you haven’t yet confronted. What are your emotions at this point as a result of this upheaval in your life? What have you learned, lost, and gained? How will these events from your past guide your thoughts and actions in the future?

Groups

Going through a loss is difficult for so many reasons. At my age, just having graduated college, I find it hard that not many people understand what it is to lose somebody so close to you. Although friends care, it can be hard for you to talk to them and them to talk to you about it. This is why I have found grief groups to be such a great help. Finding others who share your same feelings is really comforting. It's like a pat on the back that you are going to be okay because so many others are going through the same emotions.

Here are some great places to find groups for healing.

Meetup.com is a great site for any kind of social group you could ever think of in every city. A group that I always look forward to attending is Women and Their Loss. We explore different forms of natural healing each month. There is also the Austin GriefShare Group for men and women of all ages.

My Healing Place is a local non-profit working to assist children and adults as they move from loss to life through support, therapy, education, training and consultation. They offer everything from weekend retreats for grieving adults, art therapy and evening support groups.

Linda Brase is an Austin base licensed professional counselor who offers a few theraputic support groups including a Motherless Daughters group where women who have lost their mothers through death, abandonment, or emotional withdrawal may share their thoughts and feelings

Your Pain Is A Gift

"You will not grow if you sit in a beautiful flower garden, but you will grow if you are sick, if you are in pain, if you experience losses, and if you do not put your head in the sand, but take the pain as a gift to you with a very, very specific purpose." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

There are a few quotes that have really resonated with me and this is one of them. I have been going in and out of viewing the past ten months this way. Some of the connections that I have had with people over the past week have caused me to really think about this quote more by realizing that my pain can be a really beautiful thing that will cause me to grow into a better and more spiritual person with a deeper view on life and how I should be living it. Even the sad things in life are still really beautiful.

A quote that I kind of have on repeat like a mantra in my head is "Don't worry, everything is going to be amazing." There are definitely a lot of days where I reject this notion but when I have mental clarity, it all just clicks. My goal is to continue working to find more clarity so that I can hold this state of mind. There will always be ups and downs on the roller coaster of grief but I wouldn't say that we are totally out of control of how high and how low we get and for what amount of time we stay in those state of minds. It's all in the way we perceive it.

Peace Through Music

‎"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life." Berthold Auerbach

Since it's ACL weekend here in Austin, I thought I would share some songs that I have found comforting. I feel like she is there telling me it's okay every time one of these songs comes on the radio. It seems to happen when I'm thinking about her...but then again she is constantly on my mind.

William Wordsworth

536. Ode Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood

THERE was a time when meadow, grove, and stream,
The earth, and every common sight,
To me did seem
Apparell'd in celestial light,
The glory and the freshness of a dream.	5
It is not now as it hath been of yore;—
Turn wheresoe'er I may,
By night or day,
The things which I have seen I now can see no more.
The rainbow comes and goes,	10
And lovely is the rose;
The moon doth with delight
Look round her when the heavens are bare;
Waters on a starry night
Are beautiful and fair;	15
The sunshine is a glorious birth;
But yet I know, where'er I go,
That there hath pass'd away a glory from the earth.
Now, while the birds thus sing a joyous song,
And while the young lambs bound	20
As to the tabor's sound,
To me alone there came a thought of grief:
A timely utterance gave that thought relief,
And I again am strong:
The cataracts blow their trumpets from the steep;	25
No more shall grief of mine the season wrong;
I hear the echoes through the mountains throng,
The winds come to me from the fields of sleep,
And all the earth is gay;
Land and sea	30
Give themselves up to jollity,
And with the heart of May
Doth every beast keep holiday;—
Thou Child of Joy,
Shout round me, let me hear thy shouts, thou happy	35
Shepherd-boy!
Ye blessèd creatures, I have heard the call
Ye to each other make; I see
The heavens laugh with you in your jubilee;
My heart is at your festival,	40
My head hath its coronal,
The fulness of your bliss, I feel—I feel it all.
O evil day! if I were sullen
While Earth herself is adorning,
This sweet May-morning,	45
And the children are culling
On every side,
In a thousand valleys far and wide,
Fresh flowers; while the sun shines warm,
And the babe leaps up on his mother's arm:—	50
I hear, I hear, with joy I hear!
—But there's a tree, of many, one,
A single field which I have look'd upon,
Both of them speak of something that is gone:
The pansy at my feet	55
Doth the same tale repeat:
Whither is fled the visionary gleam?
Where is it now, the glory and the dream?
Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,	60
Hath had elsewhere its setting,
And cometh from afar:
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come	65
From God, who is our home:
Heaven lies about us in our infancy!
Shades of the prison-house begin to close
Upon the growing Boy,
But he beholds the light, and whence it flows,	70
He sees it in his joy;
The Youth, who daily farther from the east
Must travel, still is Nature's priest,
And by the vision splendid
Is on his way attended;	75
At length the Man perceives it die away,
And fade into the light of common day.
Earth fills her lap with pleasures of her own;
Yearnings she hath in her own natural kind,
And, even with something of a mother's mind,	80
And no unworthy aim,
The homely nurse doth all she can
To make her foster-child, her Inmate Man,
Forget the glories he hath known,
And that imperial palace whence he came.	85
Behold the Child among his new-born blisses,
A six years' darling of a pigmy size!
See, where 'mid work of his own hand he lies,
Fretted by sallies of his mother's kisses,
With light upon him from his father's eyes!	90
See, at his feet, some little plan or chart,
Some fragment from his dream of human life,
Shaped by himself with newly-learnèd art;
A wedding or a festival,
A mourning or a funeral;	95
And this hath now his heart,
And unto this he frames his song:
Then will he fit his tongue
To dialogues of business, love, or strife;
But it will not be long	100
Ere this be thrown aside,
And with new joy and pride
The little actor cons another part;
Filling from time to time his 'humorous stage'
With all the Persons, down to palsied Age,	105
That Life brings with her in her equipage;
As if his whole vocation
Were endless imitation.
Thou, whose exterior semblance doth belie
Thy soul's immensity;	110
Thou best philosopher, who yet dost keep
Thy heritage, thou eye among the blind,
That, deaf and silent, read'st the eternal deep,
Haunted for ever by the eternal mind,—
Mighty prophet! Seer blest!	115
On whom those truths do rest,
Which we are toiling all our lives to find,
In darkness lost, the darkness of the grave;
Thou, over whom thy Immortality
Broods like the Day, a master o'er a slave,	120
A presence which is not to be put by;
To whom the grave
Is but a lonely bed without the sense or sight
Of day or the warm light,
A place of thought where we in waiting lie;	125
Thou little Child, yet glorious in the might
Of heaven-born freedom on thy being's height,
Why with such earnest pains dost thou provoke
The years to bring the inevitable yoke,
Thus blindly with thy blessedness at strife?	130
Full soon thy soul shall have her earthly freight,
And custom lie upon thee with a weight,
Heavy as frost, and deep almost as life!
O joy! that in our embers
Is something that doth live,	135
That nature yet remembers
What was so fugitive!
The thought of our past years in me doth breed
Perpetual benediction: not indeed
For that which is most worthy to be blest—	140
Delight and liberty, the simple creed
Of childhood, whether busy or at rest,
With new-fledged hope still fluttering in his breast:—
Not for these I raise
The song of thanks and praise;	145
But for those obstinate questionings
Of sense and outward things,
Fallings from us, vanishings;
Blank misgivings of a Creature
Moving about in worlds not realized,	150
High instincts before which our mortal Nature
Did tremble like a guilty thing surprised:
But for those first affections,
Those shadowy recollections,
Which, be they what they may,	155
Are yet the fountain-light of all our day,
Are yet a master-light of all our seeing;
Uphold us, cherish, and have power to make
Our noisy years seem moments in the being
Of the eternal Silence: truths that wake,	160
To perish never:
Which neither listlessness, nor mad endeavour,
Nor Man nor Boy,
Nor all that is at enmity with joy,
Can utterly abolish or destroy!	165
Hence in a season of calm weather
Though inland far we be,
Our souls have sight of that immortal sea
Which brought us hither,
Can in a moment travel thither,	170
And see the children sport upon the shore,
And hear the mighty waters rolling evermore.
Then sing, ye birds, sing, sing a joyous song!
And let the young lambs bound
As to the tabor's sound!	175
We in thought will join your throng,
Ye that pipe and ye that play,
Ye that through your hearts to-day
Feel the gladness of the May!
What though the radiance which was once so bright	180
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;	185
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,	190
In years that bring the philosophic mind.
And O ye Fountains, Meadows, Hills, and Groves,
Forebode not any severing of our loves!
Yet in my heart of hearts I feel your might;
I only have relinquish'd one delight	195
To live beneath your more habitual sway.
I love the brooks which down their channels fret,
Even more than when I tripp'd lightly as they;
The innocent brightness of a new-born Day
Is lovely yet;	200
The clouds that gather round the setting sun
Do take a sober colouring from an eye
That hath kept watch o'er man's mortality;
Another race hath been, and other palms are won.
Thanks to the human heart by which we live,	205
Thanks to its tenderness, its joys, and fears,
To me the meanest flower that blows can give
Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears.

Bereavement Bill of Rights

Unfortunately it is inevitable that people will shockingly not understand any of what you are going through. It is incredibly frustrating that some have such a shallow grasp on what it is to grieve. At first, I thought I would never be faced with conversations like this, but I have had people who really do care tell me that I should "just move on and be happy" because I "don't really have a reason to be sad since I'm still alive" or that mourning my loss is just me being "being selfish that I don't have that person physically here."

Lucky for these delusional people, they have never experienced loss so they have no idea what they are talking about and they should really just keep their mouths shut but (uufff this gets me worked up..) they are trying to relate in the best way they can. They think that this is an issue that they can try to understand and wrap their heads around but they can't honestly begin to fathom how immense our grief is. I wish everybody would read this...



The Mourner's Bill of Rights by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you. The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts." Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the cliched responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Copyright 2007, Center for Loss and Life Transition

Hopi Prayer of The Soul's Graduation

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight
On the ripened grain.
I am the gentle Autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there.
I did not die.
My Spirit is still alive…

I found this poem right after my mom died. I feel like I see her everyday in nature and I find comfort beyond words in that. In every beautiful flower, I see her. In every gust of wind, I feel her. She is always with me.

I go to Zilker Botanical Gardens here in Austin where she was married when I feel like I want to be closer to her. It's a beautiful place for meditation.

Walt Whitman - Song of Myself

I recently reread Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman. The end of Song of Myself really struck a chord with me as Whitman really began to understand himself and life. Whitman basically tells us not to fear death because death is a creation of God and through it, one may reach God. Life is a continuous cycle with no real ending (thus the absence of the period at the end of the poem). I believe we all have this intuition of spiritual truths but I still find interesting the fact that I feel completely in tune with the beliefs of a poem written by a man in the 1850s. Whitman speaks of the universality of it all. "These are really the thoughts of all men in all ages and lands, they are not original with me..." We are one.



48
I have said that the soul is not more than the body, And I have said that the body is not more than the soul, And nothing, not God, is greater to one than one's self is, And whoever walks a furlong without sympathy walks to his own funeral drest in his shroud, And I or you pocketless of a dime may purchase the pick of the earth, And to glance with an eye or show a bean in its pod confounds the learning of all times, And there is no trade or employment but the young man following it may become a hero, And there is no object so soft but it makes a hub for the wheel'd universe, And I say to any man or woman, Let your soul stand cool and composed before a million universes.

And I say to mankind, Be not curious about God,
For I who am curious about each am not curious about God,
(No array of terms can say how much I am at peace about God and
about death.)

I hear and behold God in every object, yet understand God not in the least,
Nor do I understand who there can be more wonderful than myself.

Why should I wish to see God better than this day?
I see something of God each hour of the twenty-four, and each moment then, In the faces of men and women I see God, and in my own face in the glass, I find letters from God dropt in the street, and every one is sign'd by God's name,
And I leave them where they are, for I know that wheresoe'er I go,
Others will punctually come for ever and ever.

49
And as to you Death, and you bitter hug of mortality, it is idle to try to alarm me.

To his work without flinching the accoucheur comes,
I see the elder-hand pressing receiving supporting,
I recline by the sills of the exquisite flexible doors,
And mark the outlet, and mark the relief and escape.

And as to you Corpse I think you are good manure, but that does not
offend me,
I smell the white roses sweet-scented and growing,
I reach to the leafy lips, I reach to the polish'd breasts of
melons.

And as to you Life I reckon you are the leavings of many deaths,
(No doubt I have died myself ten thousand times before.)

I hear you whispering there O stars of heaven,
O suns - O grass of graves - O perpetual transfers and promotions,
If you do not say any thing how can I say any thing?

Of the turbid pool that lies in the autumn forest,
Of the moon that descends the steeps of the soughing twilight,
Toss, sparkles of day and dusk - toss on the black stems that decay
in the muck,
Toss to the moaning gibberish of the dry limbs.

I ascend from the moon, I ascend from the night,
I perceive that the ghastly glimmer is noonday sunbeams reflected,
And debouch to the steady and central from the offspring great or
small.

50
There is that in me - I do not know what it is - but I know it is in me.

Wrench'd and sweaty - calm and cool then my body becomes,
I sleep - I sleep long.

I do not know it - it is without name - it is a word unsaid,
It is not in any dictionary, utterance, symbol.

Something it swings on more than the earth I swing on,
To it the creation is the friend whose embracing awakes me.

Perhaps I might tell more. Outlines! I plead for my brothers and
sisters.

Do you see O my brothers and sisters? It is not chaos or death - it is form, union, plan - it is eternal life - it is Happiness.

51
The past and present wilt - I have fill'd them, emptied them. And proceed to fill my next fold of the future.

Listener up there! what have you to confide to me?
Look in my face while I snuff the sidle of evening,
(Talk honestly, no one else hears you, and I stay only a minute
longer.)

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

I concentrate toward them that are nigh, I wait on the door-slab.

Who has done his day's work? who will soonest be through with his
supper?
Who wishes to walk with me?

Will you speak before I am gone? will you prove already too late?

52
The spotted hawk swoops by and accuses me, he complains of my gab
and my loitering.

I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable,
I sound my barbaric yaws over the roofs of the world.

The last scud of day holds back for me,
It flings my likeness after the rest and true as any on the shadow'd
wilds,
It coaxes me to the vapor and the dusk.

I depart as air, I shake my white locks at the runaway sun,
I effuse my flesh in eddies, and drift it in lacy jags.

I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love, If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles.

You will hardly know who I am or what I mean, But I shall be good health to you nevertheless, And filter and fibre your blood.

Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged, Missing me one place search another, I stop somewhere waiting for you