Emily Post

"Persons under the shock of genuine affliction are not only upset mentally but are all unbalanced physically. No mater how calm and controlled they seemingly may be, no one can under such circumstances be normal. Their disturbed circulation makes them cold, their distress makes them unstrung, sleepless. Persons they normally like, they often turn from. No one should ever be forced upon those in grief, and all over-emotional people, no matter how near or dear, should be barred absolutely. Although the knowledge that their friends love them and sorrow for them is great solace, the nearest afflicted must be protected from any one or anything which is likely to overstrain nerves already at the threatening point, and none have the right to feel hurt if they are told they can neither be used or received. At such a time to some people companionship is comfort, other shrink from their dearest friends. "


This excerpt is from Emily Post's Etiquette book which was published in 1922. A time when the act of death had not yet been professionalized. It seems now that we have adopted this attitude of a rejection of public mourning, an ethical duty to enjoy oneself where mourning feels like a morbid self-indulgence. Praise is given to those who hide their pain, keep it behind closed doors and bury it deep down behind fake smiles and public appearances with friends and family. We get so good at it that it's almost like it never happened and that makes people feel more comfortable I think. Death makes people very uneasy. They don't know what to say and on some conscious or subconscious plane don't want to think about it in relation to themselves and their family.

I don't want people to look at me and tell me to pull it together and stop wallowing in it. But I'm sad and I hide it by trying to appear happy and strong when i feel so broken. Broken. That word keeps repeating in my head. My heart is broken and my life feels broken and I just keep feeling like I want someone to come along and help me put it back together. But it's never going to happen because we can't go back in time. What is done is done and accepting what my life will be now for myself and for my family has been hard with the way that it happend. The shocking unexpected nature of it.